He’s been taking me in and out and around various thoughts over the last month. No, I don’t think giving up on the idea is what He wants. But I do think He’s teaching me some things about Himself and about healing. If He’d healed me right off I would’ve missed these things.
Don’t get me wrong. I want to be healed. But I want to learn and know His thinking and feel His teaching of me and commune with Him in it even more than I want the physical happening. (And I don’t want to seem super spiritual in saying that…cuz truth be told, at times, I impatiently and frustratingly long to be free of this nagging numbness/tingling/coldness all up and down my left side).
One thing God’s kinda challenged me on in my thinking is the idea that if I see a miracle, then I’ll believe Him more and better. “Lord, if You just do this then I’ll be so able to trust You!” He’s been showing me that’s not necessarily true. In fact, the scriptures bear out the idea that the opposite may be true.
The Egyptians before the exodus saw plenty of miracles, but it only hardened their heart. Even Israel, God’s own people, saw the same miracles and then saw plenty more in the wilderness. But seeing those miracles didn’t help them be more spiritual-minded and have a better relationship with God. Instead, God spoke over and over of how they didn’t believe in Him and lacked faith!
Another thing God’s kinda challenged my thinking with is how I catch myself imagining at times if God just would heal that one thing, life would be so much better. But that too is basically me fibbing to myself. Why?
Cuz Jesus told us that in this earthly life we’re gonna have tribulation. Just cuz God heals the thing that’s bothering me the most at the time doesn’t mean all my troubles are gonna disappear. We have to walk this life one step at a time, looking to Him for every step. Getting healed of this present problem isn’t gonna change that. It’ll make me feel better for the moment, but when that moment is over, something else will come up. I think that Jesus doesn’t want me to have any false illusions about that.
Another thing God has me thinking is how we walk by faith and not by sight. Healing is only “by sight”. It’s only earthly and not eternal; physical and not truly spiritual. The only thing that brings it out of the earthly and into the spiritual is FAITH. The problem with that is we sooo have the physical thing in mind, and see faith as a means to that end to get what WE want. But… what kinda faith is that??? Certainly not the kind God is looking for. He wants a faith that’s actually looking to and SEEing Him and hearing HIM and not looking past Him, and to themselves and to the earthly thing only.
So, yes. I’m still seeking Him for healing. I do feel I’ve heard Him on it. I do feel He’s gonna deal with the Assyrian according to His promises to me. But He’s had to get my thinking and motives straight about all of it. That’s a process I wouldn’t trade for anything. And if He happens to choose not to heal me… I still wouldn’t trade it.. because life’s about Him loving me and me loving Him; not about getting what I want from Him.