Stroke: Where I Have to Stand

Certain things have been bugging me since all this stroke business began. This morning over the internet, I accessed my hospital files. Right from the beginning my chart was worded in such a way that because I believe in using natural supplements then I was being rebellious and refused to see doctors. That followed me through my hospital stay. Most were kind, but a few doctors were very condescending and rude.

I don’t want to justify or defend myself. I take responsibility for my actions and beliefs (and i’m not apologizing for them), but like I said certain things have bugged me. Especially now that I’ve seen my records. .. my cholesterol was normal, my BP wasn’t all that high, and my diabetic numbers weren’t terribly up there either. Thing is, everything was getting better. I’d been losing weight and had changed my diet, and gotten serious about staying away from sugar.

Also, looking at my records the CT scan was clear and the MRI’s, they did show the stroke, but everything else was clear. No heart blockage, no carotid blockage, no source for a blood clot. We had nurses tell us that sometimes they don’t find the ‘why’ of a stroke; sometimes a clot just appears out of the blue and then disappears.

Yes, there was the neuropathy that had suddenly come on a few weeks before. Was that a pre-stroke? If I’d gone to the doctor then could the stroke have been headed off? I’m not one for second-guessing myself. I know I was in touch with the Lord on it, and am at peace with that decision. No one at the hospital had any answers for the neuropathy other than the diabetes; no one suggested pre-stroke either.

So what’s bugging me?

…What IF I didn’t do anything wrong? What IF I wasn’t being rebellious? What IF the natural things were working? What IF this was just plain God’s Will for me? and no fault of my own? (I can hear the whispers of Job’s friends all around me at different angles). I don’t suppose it’ll be known 100% on this side of eternity.

I remember reading Job years ago and being angry at God for what He allowed in Job’s life. Do we serve a God who manipulates His people and uses them like puppets? Then I realized that’s that point: our lives are His to do with what He wants. That’s what it means for HIM to BE GOD, LORD, and Master. The point of faith is believing He’s working everything for our good, and that He loves us, when circumstances and feelings suggest otherwise.

…He IS good. He loves me. He IS conforming me to CHRIST. And I STAND there.

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