One of the things i’ve struggled with so much since my stroke is a gnawing insomnia. To be soooo dead tired, but then to lay there and lay there, knowing the time is passing hour after hour, and not able to fall asleep is horrible! I have struggled with that aspect of the stroke more than any other. I do well at times for stretches of days, but then the pattern reestablishes itself. I’ve tried different meds/herbs, and no matter how I try to manipulate it, the insomnia won’t go away.
I have cried out to the Lord during the night. At first there were tears of anger. Tears of blame. And accusation. He could change things and He wouldn’t. He showed me how those things were uncleanness in my spirit towards Him, and were not of faith. He has given me grace, mercifully, to not touch those temptations any more when they come. But still. Such frustration. And longing. Frustration for the things I want to be able to do and can’t because of tiredness.. longing for the healing that I know comes with deep sleep. Such feelings of shame and remorse for not being able to overcome. To be faced with my sinful qualities, every night, with no let up brings mourning after mourning. Oh, you just don’t know… :'(
Well, God gave me a beautiful picture recently with my grandkids that showed me His perspective and thoughts. The first picture had to do with lil Johnathan, who’s 8 months. As we all know babies fight sleep. Well, one day he and his parents were visiting and he hadn’t taken his nap. And he was having a meltdown and throwing a fit. His parents didn’t get mad or impatient with him. There was no condemnation or impatience. They took it in stride and dealt with him as their beloved son. And in a moment which was like a snapshot, I knew God was showing me that this is what He’s like when I’m going through my nights.
Another picture came a few days later with Caleb, the 2 year old. Again, 2 year olds fight sleep, and he hadn’t taken a nap that day. He was emotional, and moody, and grumpy, and yeah, you get the picture. His mommy went outside for a moment and he lost it. It was the end of the world and he was just sure she wasn’t coming back. Because he was so tired, everything was 20x worse than it really was, and his emotions were totally lying to him. Again, I could see myself completely, and I felt God was showing me how normal the range of emotions was when one was so very tired…. and that those emotions weren’t necessarily the truth or reality of the situation. I watched as his daddy scooped Caleb up, sat him in his lap, and began talking to him quietly, comforting and quieting him with his presence and quiet words. No condemnation. No impatience.
Only love. And care.
This is how my Father is with me. And while maybe I will or won’t sleep tonight, and maybe the turmoil will come; but if so, I can rest in Him, knowing He’s faithful to me, His child. Knowing He’s ready to scoop me up and love on me, whether I can feel Him in the midst of my lying emotions or not.
Bless Him. …Oh, bless Him.